Leaving do do

Well it was my leaving do last night. What a shambles. I've just got up. Mags is out shopping and Owen is crying. For once I wish he would just find something quiet to amuse himself with.
So, last night, how to sum it up? Well, only three people came out. Thanks everyone. I was sat in the pub on my own for an hour waiting for them and then my boss went home after fifteen minutes. Mags and her mate Catherine and their gay buddy Johann turned up around 10. They were all totally wasted. Mags and Catherine had a big row about something, never did find out what and Catherine stormed off with Johann mincing after her. Now, I've not got a problem with gay people but Johann really winds me up. He keeps pinching my arse and when I turn round he turns and stares ahead, making out it wasn't him. Then when I look away he giggles. What a tosser. Anyway, Mags and Catherine think the sun shines out of his arse.
I didnt get to go to a cash machine on the way to the pub so I tried to pay for a round using my card but the bar man said it had been reported stolen and he refused to give it back. I never reported it stolen and I need that card so obviously I argued. Mags saw the commotion and came to assist. Great! A drunken angry girl shouting at the bar man really didnt help much. okay, so I was pretty drunk too but seriously, she was frazzled and just started shouting at him. Before I knew what was going on two doormen had grabbed Mags and were dragging her outside. I followed and tried to persuade them to leave her alone, well, actually I started shouting and threatening them. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not a violent man, in fact I'm usually the first to run away but I was incensed! I was in caveman mode and they had my woman! Grrr! They wouldnt listen to my reasonable demands and so I had one option, attack! I jumped on the biggest one, my intention to get Mags away from him. It didn't quite work as planned. I ended up hanging round his neck with my legs wrapped round him, to an onlooker it would have looked like he was giving me a piggy back. With one shovel sized hand he grabbed me and pulled me over his shoulder. I landed like a sack of shit and I earned myself a bruise the size of mount Rushmore. A few seconds later we were hurled out the doors, informed we were barred and that the police would be called if we didn't "piss right off". Charming. Mags, of course, had left her purse at home, as she thought I would be paying for her. Cheeky cow. My cash card was behind the bar of "the forbidden zone" and I had about 20p in my pocket. The others were nowhere to be seen. In fact I think I remember hearing Guy Berry, from accounts, pointing and laughing as I was swung around in the air like some sort of drunken rag doll. Yeah, they stayed in the pub and quickly forgot about us. Good job I had left the company otherwise I would be the victim of some serious piss-taking on Monday. So, we walked home. It took about 2 hours with Mags whinging every step of the way about her shoes and Catherine being a selfish bitch and Johann being a controlling queen (her words, not mine). What a lovely evening!